These shoes are freezing...

Been at work the last two days. I work for a large metropolitan ambulance service which is some distance from where I live. I won't say which service because if I relate tales about patients and crews, I don't want to get into the whole patient confidentiality thing. I stay back at my parents when I'm working, which is enough to drive anyone insane (Nothing was ever proved..).

Got to work about 6PM and took over the car from the day turn. I work alone on a reponse car. we're like sharks, continuously swimming waiting to feed on other peoples misfortunes.

Anyhow, todays anecdote concerns a call to a young man. Call given as passed out after cutting his thumb. "Oh for fuck sake", I thought. With that the brain switched off, the lights switched on and I made the short run to the address. "If only people knew what I was going to", I thought as cars pulled out off the way of my speeding, one ton singing christmas tree as I shot past. Pulled up, kitted up and walked into the block. I was beckoned in by a frantic looking lady. Moving inside I was taken aback. At first look it looked like the punter had been gutshot. Easily 500mls of blood on the wood floor and the punter lying in it. Turns out he was a bit pissed and was being a bit of a cock. I dressed it and put him on a bit of o2. Nothing more remarkable. The crew arrived and chaired him to the Amb. Somewhere in this I ended up with the punters shoes (you can see where this is going, can't you..?). I put the shoes on the roof of the car and stowed my gear. Then forgetting the shoes, went to the amb to help out. I wasn't required gave the punter a cheery goodbye and left. An hour later I get a call from the control room asking if I've got these shoes. Shoes! Bollocks! I sheepishly admit I left them on the roof and drove off. "Go back and find them then...."

I drive the three miles back to the location and have a look around. Nothing. Then, as I go to get back in the car, there, behind the lightbar on the roof, the shoes are still there where I left them! I'd been driving round at speed for miles and they were still there! There's grip for you. Gonna get Nikes next time!

I get back to the Hospital and find the punter, who's still acting up and give him his shoes. "Where you been?" he spits at me. "Working, busy night"

He puts a foot in and says, "These shoes are freezing, you leave them outside?"

"On the roof actually"

"CXXX!" he shouts at my receeding back.

It's the little things that make you laugh.

A leap of faith, and a faint smell of pee...

Would you believe it? Fedex were true to their word. Just after 9, a van which looked like it had been persued by the police in a crappy reality show appeared driven by a dosser. He mumbled at me and pointed to his clipboard. I signed a false name as usual. Just for fun, something silly, Dan Druff, Hugh Jarse or similar. A workmate to this day is walking round with a company ID card with the name Hugh Jarse on it, we borrowed the card making camera and machine, the picture is of course, his bare arse...



The parcel looked like it had been in a washing machine and smelled vaguely of pee. FedEx revenge?



Yesterday's leap of faith was nothing compared with todays. Ever tried to book a limo in another country over the phone? Oi vey, talk about two countries divided by a common language. Now Americans are normally ok with the Queen's English but I always find the ones who can't speak American English, let alone the Queens. It's a strange effect as I seem to unconsciously start speaking lower and slower, and start pronouncing my words very carefully. I suddenly realised I'd turned into Noel Coward. So here's hoping. All I have is a pair of reference numbers and a promise. Hopefully all this work will come together later as a superbly written travelogue which will get me a mention in the Unoffical guide.

But I can't see it...

A new day, a new experience....

Hello world! Yet another new blog on the web. What's new and exciting about this one? Absolutely nothing. So why do we have this facination with other peoples lives? I have no idea but we truely do.

In other news, why are FedEx crap? Have spent all morning on the phone trying to get a parcel delivered. A simple task you would think, not so. After ringing the depot 4 times, I've been cut off, misdirected and finally left for twenty minutes on a ringing phone. I wouldn't mind so much but the last time they tried to deliver to me, my parcel was 'lost'. These were tickets for an event in Orlando, so we had them cancelled, luckily Disney World reissued them and sent them by UPS instead, arriving safely in three days. Why are you telling us this I hear you ask? Just to illustrate the point at after all this, a month later the original parcel arrived - delivered by Staffordshire Police! FedEx swear they'll have my parcel to me by 9am tomorrow. Hmmm, watch this space.

Another act of faith today, I seem to be doing that alot lately. Have ordered a bottle of champagne to be delivered to my wife, (Lynn, love of my life and regular cast member in this show) onboard the aircraft on the way to Orlando in two weeks time. One for Lynn and one for her best friend Emma (Emma and Andy her husband, more regulars in our show). If it comes off it will be a good start to the holiday, if they cock it up I've done £50 in cold blood...