Wonko the Sane's Guide to the World

28th November 2008

I am awakened from my cosy warm dreamstate by that terrible alarm on Lynn's phone. It really is terrible, well what do you expect, it is a Sony after all. Not like the soothing dulcet tones of my Nokia. My not being a morning person is catching up with me. Lynn makes me get up in search of tea. She goes into the bathroom.....I go back to bed. I am re-awoken by not very nice words (She can be a right cow without her tea). I grab the remote and turn on Fox35. A reasonable level of consciousness is returning, almost enough to begin functioning. News of the morning is a robbery at a Checkers burger joint on East Colonial Drive. It happened at 2 in the morning and after the first hour, nothing new has happened.

"Why do you bring this up?", I hear you ask.

I find it funny because they return to the on scene reporter every 5 minutes who desperately tries to make it sound different and exciting each time...and fails. It's a British thing, we like watching people squirm. That's why we invented Simon Cowell....

I creep out to the kitchen, empty. Bonzer. I fill the kettle and put it on the hob. By God appliances are big in the States. I take an instant dislike to the range. It's a halogen hob. When you turn it on it looks like HAL 9000. You can almost hear it....

"Dave.......Dave......the kettles boiling Dave......I can feel it"

And you could cook for a prison on it, it's that big.

Sidebar - What's with the whistling bloody kettles? For a country so advanced, why are you still using whistling kettles?

I creep back to bed and wait for the kettle. It's another glorious day outside and the Weather Channel says its going to stay that way for at least the next six minutes. That's forecasting for you, a new forecast every six minutes.

Sad But True - I have a little widget from the Weather Channel on my computer desktop at home. So when I turn on my computer, it tells me the temperature in Orlando and other essentials like fire watch alerts in Flagler county. Surprisingly necessary in rural England.

I'm still not motivated so I turn on Resort TV Channel 18 - 7 Top Things to See at Walt Disney World. A 20 minute showcase of all that's new and good at WDW. Presented by the worlds most annoying presenter. Now Stacy might be a very nice person, but by Christ she gets on my tits. The kettle whistles and I creep outside again. Lynn had the good sense to bring teabags from the UK. I bought my coffee in Publix. I'm a bit knackered to start with as I'm allergic to caffeine and even the best decaf tasted like dusty water. I put the allotted amounts of coffee, milk and sugar in a mug, add water and stir. I look down at my mug to find a cup of what looks like dishwater. I throw it away and start again. I spend the next five minutes and a pint and a half of boiling water like a medieval alchemist trying to turn base metal into gold, (or Lambrusco into wine) and eventually have to give up and make do with the dishwater. I feel like Arthur Dent, "Is there any tea on this spaceship?"

I take Lynn her now cold tea.

I finally give in and join the world. Shower. It looks like a car wash. Lynn could fit the mini in it. I think about the day ahead while I get ready. I've been looking forward to this day since we came home in September, returning to EPCOT. What I'm going to do, what I'm going to eat, the sights, the sounds, the smells. As you may have guessed, EPCOT is my favourite park. And you'd be right. I want my ashes scattered there. I've picked a nice spot but it'll probably be turned into something else when i need it...

I wrote a first draft of this bit over the weekend. It was a 1000 words, full of great information about the history of EPCOT from Walt's 'Florida Project' up to today. Very informative, but as creative writing goes, it was dry as a nuns nonney. So it had to go. I've replaced it with the following;

EPCOT opened 1st October 1982 and is a park dedicated to modern technology, innovations and scientific discovery.

Nuff said. More info at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epcot

At 8.30 we are assembled in the living room, ready for the 'O' group, and plans for the day finalised. Suitably equipped we head for bus stop number four.

"Another day in paradise", I exult to the others. I would annoy them with this phrase every morning for the next 12 days. We must have just missed the bus because we waited a good ten minutes.

Sidebar - Is it just the British that position themselves far away from the stop so they can see up the road and see if the bus is coming? I think there's this subconscious belief that if you see it, it will get there faster.

Eventually the bus arrives. Not because it was it's scheduled time you understand, because we were looking up the road making come faster.... It's busy but we get seats. The bus is air conditioned and is cold as a witches tit. Surprisingly welcome in the morning heat. We trundle on to the last (and biggest) stop near the Carriage House. The bus then becomes like an Japanese subway train. Adults, children, elderly, cripples, prams (strollers for the Colonials), wheelchairs and ECV's all want to get on. There seems to be a Florida law against running buses at night with the saloon lights on, but apparently not one against loading one during the day until the passengers can no longer breath. We have our comfortable seats and start getting looks from families with children, cripples, etc. Unfortunately they didn't reckon on thirty years of experience of riding the London tube. Dirty looks? You've got to do better than that!! My arse stays firmly stuck to its seat. Once the last passenger has been rammed into the bus, but behind the yellow line, we set off for EPCOT. The golf course looks lovely this morning. As we reach the gatehouse, our favourite security guard is on duty. I would have given him a wave and blown him a kiss, but I couldn't turn round far enough.

We turn left onto Disney Vacation Club Way. There's a foursome on the green at Lake Buena Vista Golf Club. I wish we had time, (and the aptitude!) to play there. It has a bunker shaped like a mickey head. To our left is the entrance to the Villas at the Disney Institute. I think they call them the Treetop Villas or something now. These are all that's left of the Disney Institute which stood where most of Saratoga Springs sits now. The Disney Institute was a sort of college. It offered courses to business and government executives.

They even had a couple of books: http://www.amazon.com/Be-Our-Guest-Ted-Kinni/dp/0786853948/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203648571&sr=8-1

I remember going there as part of a behind the scenes tour of MGM when it was still semi functional. For the last part of the tour, we were put on a minibus from MGM to the Institute to do a short course in cel painting. We were given an uncoloured cel and half a dozen paints and taught how to paint by one of the artists. We put our names on them and left them behind. Two weeks later they arrived in the mail. We still have them somewhere.

The Villas were strange octagonal looking buildings set among the trees. They're used to house the foreign student programme people now because the villas weren't disabled friendly. They look a bit rundown and overgrown now. From the river it looks like the ewok village from Return of the Jedi..

We cross the lights at Bonnet Creek Parkway and join Epcot Centre Drive. Through the trees I can see Spaceship Earth. Most people who visit Disney World get excited when the see Cinderellas Castle but for me it's always been Spaceship Earth. It always sparkles, day or night, rain or shine. And for me, it's always the start of a great day. We take the offramp and the road rises and crosses Epcot Centre Drive. The monorail appears through the trees to our right. I am now officially excited. The road spreads out to eight lanes for the pay booths for the car park. Suddenly I realise there are no other vehicles in sight, just our bus.

The thought of Chevy Chase arriving at Walley World to find it shut pops into my head....

The parking lot is nearly empty, result! There's a muffled mumbling coming from the overhead speakers. It appears the driver is trying to tell the squashed and breathless passengers (except those happily seated of course...) which bus stop to use to get back to Saratoga. Unfortunately, his thick South American accent makes it impossible to understand. Oh well, we'll find out later.

The bus comes to a stop and the doors open. The act of opening the doors can only be likened to breaking an aircraft window in flight. People seem to be sucked out at great speed, glad of fresh air and to no longer have their heads stuffed in smelly strangers armpits. We wait for the bus to empty and casually step off, refreshed and unruffled. It's going to be a good day, I can feel it in my water. Or is it a UTI?

Now free of the maddening crowd, we amble towards the entrance to EPCOT. Things seem to be different. You used to be able to walk straight up to the ticket kiosks then on to the turnstiles, but now there's a low fence that funnels you towards the monorail station to the security search point. There's no-one waiting and I approach what appears to be a walrus in a peaked cap. On closer inspection it's one of the Florida 'grey army' that appears to make up the bulk of that fine crime fighting force known as Disney Security. The hat is so large that it looks like the brim needs to have two holes cut in it so she can see out. I put my camera bag on the table and the walrus proceeds to open every pouch and pocket, must have been a slow morning, even the tiny pockets that seem to have no purpose. At last, satisfied that I have not smuggled a 'Day of the Jackal' type rifle in the bag, she waves me through with a cursory wave of the hand. I throw her a fish and walk through.

Having passed the first test, 'Trial by Walrus' we move on to the next, 'Trial by Idiot'. Before us are 20 or so turnstiles to enter the park, of these 4 or 5 are open and of these 1 has a sandwich board with 'Princess Breakfast' written on it. Thirty or so people fill each of the remaining queues. But which queue is moving faster? Which has more children? More old people? Cripples? Which queue? Which queue? It's like Russian roulette but with queues instead of bullets. We pull the trigger and join a queue.

It's a simple principle; you buy a ticket, you queue at the turnstile, when it's your turn you put the ticket into the slot in the turnstile, magically the green light comes on, the gate opens and you walk through into the lands of magic and wonder, collecting your ticket as you go.

Apparently this most simple of procedures is beyond some people. We're almost at the turnstile, we have our tickets ready. BANG! The Russian roulette bullet hits us all squarely in the arse. There are a party of six or seven between us and our goal. They have tried to get in with a combination of real and either fake or expired tickets. The full might of the grey army is preparing to descend like an avenging angel that smells vaguely of pee. An argument starts as now some of the party are inside and some are not. And we are stuck. Watching as people stream into the park on both sides. Bollocks. Why's it always us? It's Gatwick all over again. Luckily a supervisor arrives and escorts the refused away. I don't know where they went, but there were a couple of familiar looking audio animatronics in the Mexico pavilion later.....

At last, like a marathon runner crossing the finishing line after 26 miles, I insert my ticket into the turnstile and cross the threshold.

I am in.

I look up at the huge, shining geodesic sphere in front of me. I still think it looks odd without the wand. The wand was installed at EPCOT in 1999 for the Millennium Celebration in 2000, which was the first year we visited Disney World. It was a 257 ft tall tower beside Spaceship Earth, faced on the front and rear sides with a fascia depicting a huge Mickey arm and glove holding a magic wand (hence Epcot wand) over the sphere. Atop the wand was the number "2000" in 36ft high numerals. The whole thing was covered in coloured spinning reflectors that sparkled and shimmered in the sun. (You can tell I liked the wand, can't you?)

In 2001, now being out of date, the numerals were removed and the word "EPCOT" replaced them. And there it stood, sentinel-like for the next 7 years. It was such a feature, dwarfing the 180ft tall Spaceship earth and taking up a lot of sky that with it gone, the sphere looks much smaller and the sky empty.

An occasion like this needs commemoration. I corral my party together and grab a photopass photographer. We pose in front of the Christmas topiary with the sphere, colloquially known as 'The Bollock', behind us.

I spy a plaque on what looks like a gravestone from Logan's Run. It's the original dedication plaque from October 24 1982. Disneyland's plaque was dedicated by Walt Disney in 1955, The Magic Kingdom by Roy O Disney in 1971. But with them both dead by 1982, you'd think that the dedication would be by Roy's son, Roy E Disney wouldn't you? But no. The plaque is dedicated by Card Walker, the then CEO of Walt Disney Productions. 25 years on, it still seems disrespectful to me.

I look up to find the rest of my party waiting impatiently for me. I catch them up at the graveyard.

"Graveyard?"

Well it look like a graveyard. In 2000 as part of the Millennium Celebration, a series of monolithic stone slabs was erected between the park entrance at the breezeways leading around Spaceship Earth. The idea was that, for a small fee of $42, that you could have your photo taken or have some wording, dates etc, and have it etched onto a stainless steel plate mounted on the slabs for 20 years. It was called 'Leave a Legacy'. I don't think it was well subscribed because tour operators began giving them away as incentives. The last legacies were left on June 16th 2007. Over the years we have had two done, one a picture of Lynn and I, the other just words from when Mairi came with us in 2004. We'll look for them when we have more time.

I start to feel vaguely maudlin. A sea of faces and names stare back at me and I wonder how many are dead. A chill runs through me. I need to snap out of this. I look up at the bollock and my spirits brighten. Spaceship Earth has been under rehab (and I don't mean a spell in the Chevy Chase suite at the Betty Ford Clinic..) for several months and is due to reopen any day now. Please let it be today. The ride needed rehabing badly. It used to be sponsored by AT & T but the sponsorship deal finished a couple of years back and the ride system had become clanky and broke down a lot. It was outdated in it's portrayal of its predictions of future technologies, last being updated in 1994 I think. I look eagerly at the entrance only to find the builders walls still up. Sod it. I do however see the new signage.

Spaceship Earth, Presented by Siemens. So the new sponsor is Siemens.

Sidebar - Interesting. Present day electronics giant. Same company back in 2002 tried to remarket a pesticide it owns called 'Zyklon B'. Heard that name before somewhere. That's it! Auschwitz! You guessed it, they were only following orders...

Passing along the right hand breezeway we come to the 'Art of Disney' store and into Innoventions Plaza. To the rear of Spaceship Earth is an open plaza with exhibition buildings on both sides, these are the cunningly named Innoventions East and Innoventions West. The idea is that these buildings are a showcase for new and upcoming technologies. It somewhat fails in getting people inside, unless it's really hot, in which case people will stand being educated in exchange for air conditioning...... Personally I love Innoventions, well the plaza actually. Two reasons really;

1. Innoventions has the greatest BGM ever. Period. I can hear it now in my head, and it's louder than the 'voices' too.....

2. The Electric Umbrella. "Electric Umbrella?" I hear you ask. It's one of my favourite counter service restaurants. It used to serve the best breakfast in Disney World, the Breakfast Bagel (Oi vey..) I don't think it serves breakfast all year round any more. Maybe only a couple of months in the summer. (I am sad) But to me there's nothing in this world like grabbing a bite and sitting outside in the shade listening to the 19 minute Innoventions Plaza Loop and watching the Fountain of Nations.

Innoventions Loops Bit Torrent- (http://www.mousebits.com/index.php?page=torrent-details&id=129445ecf2ab33dccc1cf71a6f1fef3c930d0fce)

Don't want to say too much, but maybe sometime in the (hopefully!!) far distant future, there'll be a corner of Innoventions that will be forever England.

The crowds are light and Lynn wants to ride Test rack (her favourite) before it gets crowded. we turn left along the breezeway (what a great name for tunnel) between Innoventions East and Mousegear. We exit into the full Florida sunshine of the rising sun. To our left sits the Universe of Energy Pavilion, its hundreds of solar cells on its roof shining so brightly it hurts the eyes. This is one of the biggest showbuildings on property.

Sidebar - Where Disney World is concerned, things are either inside or outside. To Disney (and Disneyphiles) this is known as 'On property' or 'Off property'. Once you cross under that arch that says 'Welcome to the Happiest Place on Earth', you're 'On property', go the other way and you're 'Off'. Hope that clears things up.... (Confused? These questions will be answered on the next episode)

I love Ellen's Energy Adventure and would love to ride first, but we turn right towards Test Track.

Before us is a huge arch like facsia welcoming you to the Test Track Pavilion. Every 20 seconds or so there's a 'wooshing' sound. As you get nearer it becomes apparent why. There's only a 5 minute wait so we bypass the Fastpass machines and head for the standby line. Above the doors are a row of angled mirrors which reflect the top of what you think is a canopy running around the building. In fact this is the 'Test Track' and ever 20 seconds a car whistles past overhead at 65mph. That's the 'whooshing' noise!

Test Track opened on December 19 1998 in what was the old 'World of Motion' building. (I'd like to give you the back history of World of Motion but it was before my time at WDW. I could fanny it off with a bit of research and make it look convincing. But where's the integrity in that?)

The 'plot' of this attraction is you are visiting a General Motors (The sponsor) test track to learn how safe General Motors cars are.

(subliminal messages - "Buy General Motors", "All other brands are crap","General Motors would never put profit over safety")

The climax of this visit is a run in a test car. The attraction area consists of two parts, the circular showbuilding (Which I think contained the old World of Motion), and about half a mile of 'track' that run out of the building to the rear of the Mexico Pavilion and back into the show building.

We enter through the right hand doors. Inside there's loads to look at. Real crash test dummies and whole cars, and pieces of cars. It tells the story of car testing from the earliest (GM of course) cars to the modern day.

Sidebar - One thing I hate about the queues sometimes, believe it or not, is the lack of queues. Test track is a prime example. There is absolutely loads to see, watch and read about in the queue about destructive testing of motor vehicles. Radio and electrical interference testing, testing of seats, windscreens, suspension, steering. But when it's empty do we stop to look? No. We power walk through without stopping to get to the front. We don't want to hold up people behind (although in the US, I find people far more patient and polite(excludes New Yorkers....), in Disneyland Paris, stop for a second and you'll have footprints on your neck as people walk over your prone body). Sometimes a constantly moving slowish queue would be quite nice. see the stuff and not take too much time over it.

After the above mentioned power walk (stopping only to point out the hidden Mickey made up of washers on one of the work benches, we arrive at the head of the queue. At this point the cast member merges the standby and fastpass queues. We are waved through into one of three holding areas. Each area has a pair of double doors, a yellow painted area on the floor and a rotating yellow light above the door. all the lights are out.

Sidebar - The yellow area means the doors open toward you. I think this must be a fire code thing for evacuation purposes. You see these types of doors all over Disney World.

After a brief wait, and several instructions to move further into the holding area, the yellow light starts to flash. The doors spring open and lo! A room! With a TV too! The assembled throng file into the room like toothpaste being squeezed out a tube. On the walls are aerial pictures of 'various GM test facilities around the world'. Even Milbrook in little old England. I have a sudden burst of patriotism. Luckily it doesn't last long.

The lights dim, (or am I having a stroke?) and the pre-show starts on the monitor. The test 'engineer' tells us he's going to send us and our test vehicle through a series of tests, road surfaces, anti-lock brakes, temperature etc.

Then the payoff, "and we'll throw in a few surprises tests", then to his assistant, "pick one"

Assistant, shrugs, pushes a button and a brief shot of a test car hitting a wall.

We quickly gloss over this with a bit on the ride vehicle and seat belts then the doors at the far end open and we are out to our cars!!! Nah, not yet... Beyond the doors there's another queue and we're on the end of it. To our right are the exit doors of the other two pre show rooms and we have to run the gauntlet to get past. Hmmm, Test Track stress. Come on queue, tick tock tick tock, the doors are gonna open, tick tock, tick, tock. We shuffle. Beads of sweat start to form. We are level with the next doors. Nearly there! Nearly there!

The yellow light over the next door starts to flash. Bugger. Squeeze up, squeeze up!! I take one more step as the doors burst open and a charging mob emerge like the charge of the light brigade...... behind me. Yes!!

The line moves sluggishly on. At the last turn if you look to the left, behind the last pre show room, out of sight is a Test Track car. To see it you'd think it was being stored there or was a photo opportunity, but no.

Guess what it is. Go on, have a try. I found out on the Undiscovered Future World tour in 2006. Any answers?

The answer, according to the tour guide (And I believe him), is that should a 'Hugh' appear at the head of the queue, they are taken, out of sight of Joe Public, to 'try on' the car for size. Those that don't fit are led out through another door to save blushes. It can also be used to test whether people with certain disabilities can transfer safely to and from the vehicle.

True.

Anyway, we finally reach the dispatcher at the load point. From time of entry to load point took less than ten minutes, but it seemed like hours, honest. (I'm trying to be creative and give an air of tension here!!)

We get a car to ourselves. It seats six and they normally fill up the empty seats from the single rider line. Luckily there's no-one in the single rider line. The gates open and we're off like greyhounds out of the traps. I take the front left and Lynn the right , leaving the middle seat empty. Andy and Em do the same in the back. The outer seats have seat belts with shoulder straps, the middle a lap strap only. We click the belts into place and the car in front pulls away. We follow a second or two later.

A voice is speaking from the dashboard. At least I think it is. It might be 'the voices' again... No, it definitely is a voice from outside my head. Ah! There's a little screen and speaker in the dash. It's welcoming us to the Test Track. We round the corner, here we go!

Red light! The car stops on a dime. I peal myself off the windscreen. A cast member is lurking in the dark. He looms over us while we tug on our seatbelts to prove they're correctly fitted. Satisfied, he returns to his lair to frighten the shit out of the car behind.

The light turns green and we're finally off.

There's the sound of squealing tyres as we pull away. Recorded of course, but a nice touch.

First test is a steep ramp up into showbuilding followed by a sharp decent over what 'the voice' describes as German and Belgian blocks. and personally I'm glad I had my grapes done (if you don't get that gag, trust me you'd better off not knowing...). I recover the chippings from my teeth that have been shattered by jarring ride over the blocks. Next the braking test. We speed toward the 'cones' and the brakes come on. We flatten the cones and sail on through. Luckily they're 5mm thick plastic and flat. That was without the 'ABS', we turn the corner for the 'with ABS' run only to find a mirror in the distance, the headlights come on (yes headlights, who knew..) and suddenly we're Sean Connery in Goldfinger speeding towards ourselves, headlights blazing. the brakes come on and we swerve left around the mirror. Phew, that was lucky, thank God for ABS.....and the huge Scalextric slot in the track that the car follows. ABS my arse!!

Next we go through heat and cold tests. The first is a chamber with a curved roof covered in lightbulbs. We're suddenly in a surreal Lenny Kravitz video. Without warning all the bulbs come on. Heat lamps! Hot! Hot! Hot! And fucking bright. I'm blind! And hot! The lights go off. Lynns contact lenses are welded to her eyes. Before my vision returns we enter the next chamber where dry ice is sprayed at us . Cold! Cold! Cold!

Next the handling run. Apparently we are cleared for Track Course 'A'. there's a fork in the track, signs point left to course 'A' and right to course 'B'. I think course 'B' is about eight feet long and straight into a brick wall. The car lurches left and starts picking up speed. We are thrown through a series of hairpin turns that get tighter and tighter. Halfway through there was a little surprise that had the dogs in Kisseemee onto the phone to Noise Abatement again. We come to a bend and are staring at a wall. The car takes off like Jordan fleeing a mensa test. There's a flash and the wall is split in two and we're in the Florida sunshine. The track lies before us into the distance. The car accelerates smoothly into a 360 degree 'Doughnut' and back on a parallel track to the 'out' track.

We are still accelerating ("Punch it!", Yells the little speaker), over the road is a huge highway sign showing our speed. We pass it at 65.1 MPH. (Test Track is the fastest ride 'On property') The road curves left and we 'Whoosh' over the entrance doors. Abuptly the brakes come on and we decelerate, strangely in a series of jerking motions as the brakes come on and off. We re-enter the show building and decend back to ground level passing briefly in front of a thermographic camera and monitor.

We are back at the loading dock. "Again, again" squeaks Lynn like a deranged Tellytubby.

The car jerks to a halt and we climb out. What a ride!

The ride exits to the photo area. A bank of ten or so monitors shows the occupants of the cars as they approached the splitting wall before the run outside (That was the flash). If you want it the cast member gives you a ticket with the picture number which you take to the shop for purchase. However I spy a new feature, a card reader for photopasses. you insert your card and it puts your picture on account. Easy as pie, except you have about a nanosecond to put the card in or it's gone. I miss my chance by a second. I expect the word 'Loser' to appear over our photo in flashing red.

Bollocks. Better luck next time.

General Motors of course generously donated this ride for free... We move out of the photo area, into a car showroom (a General Motors showroom I might add) so perhaps not. Before us lie a dozen cars, some on rotating dias, some static. All with info sheets including the prices.

However, to our left is one of the great undiscovered treats of Epcot. In the small hall that used to house the 'Dream Chasers' exhibit now sits a display called 'Fuel for Thought' about the use of corn-originated ethanol as a motor fuel. It has a model off how the system works and some displays but the real treat is the floor projection.

Projected on the floor is a circular photo of raw corn that rotates. But as you walk over it, where you stepped makes the corn pop under your feet. This is hours of fun for the easily pleased. Such a simple effect but so much fun. We walked across it, ran across it, hopped across it, went round in circles watching the corn explode in all directions. As I said, hours of fun. People just walk on by, desperate for the next thrill ride and miss these things. Take your time people and look around, there's so much more to see.

Just so you can't say I don't try to educate you people, here's a link about Ethanol.

http://www.gm.com/explore/fuel_economy/e85/index.jsp?deep=what

Having reduced ourselves to primary school children, we rejoin the adult world and look at every car and like all the Brits look straight at the price, divide it by two and say things like, "This would cost 40 grand at home" and "I can't believe how cheap this Hummer is..".

Suitably depressed that I could have bought a hummer for what my car cost, we have a quick mouch around the shop (sorry, retail opportunity) and out.

I start to ask where we are going next but it becomes obvious as the deranged Tellytubby is heading straight through the entrance door.

"Again, again" indeed.

To relive this bit, just go back to the point where it say's "we enter through the right hand doors". Those who are bored with this can put the kettle on or watch TV until we get back.

Ok. We have stopped the Tellytubby going round for the third time because we are hungry and need to eat. Seeing as the Electric Umbrella is not serving breakfast (Sad), we are forced to eat with the rest of the park at 'Seasons' in the Land Pavillion. This is the recently (well, last couple of years..) renovated food court. It's perfectly adequate but it's not the Electric Umbrella.

We head back under the breezeway, back to Innoventions Plaza. I do love the wind driven sculptures in the Plaza, the remind me of the Wonder's of Life Pavillion (But don't get me started on that subject. Sadly missed). As we pass under the west breezeway there's a stall selling inflatable balls, some of which are huge. In all my years at Disney World, I've never seen anyone buy one. Primarily, I think, because they're chuffing expensive for a ball. But year on year they're still there so I suppose someone must buy them.

We climb the ramp to the Land Pavillion, which is harder than you think in our weakened by hunger state. To the left and right is a moziac, meticulously done by hand from small tiles of natural materials but with one tiny piece out of sequence, supposedly as a signature by the Artist (Artists aren't allowed to sign their work for some unknown reason, so they started putting little bits of hidden or 'accidental' artistry into their work to show it was theirs. This is how 'Hidden Mickey's and the like were born. True that). Our guide on the segway tour went to great lengths to show us this tiny tile. We were suitably impressed.....

The first thing you notice as you enter is that most of the stuff in the Pavillion is 30ft below. A walkway runs around the edge and down to the mezzanine, past the 'Circle of Life' movie (an environmental fable for kids, an interesting diversion while waiting for other stuff) down to the Garden Grill Restaurant.

Sidebar - Quick restaurant review (Don't say I don't try to give you your money's worth). We went to the Garden Grill back in September and it was the strangest experience. The Garden Grill is unique at Disney World in that it is a rotating restaurant. It's essentially a huge turntable on which the seating area sits. The tables are in boothes and they all face outwards. We booked this on the basis that at certain points, the diners overlook the greenhouses and 'Living with the Land'. However.... That may technically be true, unless you're a giraffe you can't see much from your seat and what you can see is the pararie section of 'Living with the Land'. No greenhouse views. Gotta do more research before booking next time!! Having said that, the food is excellent. Food is served 'family style' (which is colonial speak for 'help yourself') and is in plentiful supply. Here's the strange bit. The restaurant rotates anti-clockwise very slowly. It takes, if I remember correctly, about 40 minutes to make a full revolution. So what? I here you ask. Although the movement is slow, you can definately feel it and if you try and ignore it things you keep catching things out of the corner of your eye . The upshot of which is, it made us both feel sick. Just what you need from a restaurant. Entertainment was good by way of a certain Chip and Dale. One thing that really did impress me was the table next door had a dietary query and then head chef himself came to the table, and get this, brought the master recipe book with him. He went through it all and cooked the customer something to order. Now that's service. We even got a copy of the potato recipe too. Highly recommended for food, but take a seasick pill before you go!!

We decend the escalator to what seems a subterranian level which I suspect was actually ground level. 'Seasons' is a series of counter services with a central dining area. And we're walking straight through it. Why are we walking through? Of course, Soarin! The headliner attraction at Epcot, well to use anyway. Truth be told it should be Mission: Space, newer, more advanced and deadlier, but more of that later....

We get fastpasses for about half an hours time. Even at this time, the fastpasses are fast running out. They'll probably run out by midday, and the park closes at 9 tonight!!

We hit the counters and meet back at the till. I went with the breakfast platter and a fruit cup.

Sidebar - What is up with american melons? (giggity) I try to have my five a day but I shouldn't break my teeth to do it. Every bit of melon I had was hard as coal...

Lynn has the cash so I go for condiments while Lynn pays. I find us some seats. Suddenly there's a crash. I look round to see an old man wearing his breakfast including his coffee. Being the good samaritan I get up and ask him if he's ok. He looks at me and turns his back on me! Fair enough. I get close enough so he can hear me. "Fuck yer then you miserable bast", and walk back to my seat. I feel bad. Maybe he doesn't speak english. His wife walks up and no, he speaks perfect english. So fuck 'im.

I'm still chewing on this when Lynn pitches up with the food. We eat and I people watch. A squadron of TFTW's goes past, taking up the whole isle. Good job we've got our food. Once the squadron attacks there's nothing left.

We're finished and we still have twenty minutes til our fastpasses come in. There's only a five minute queue for Living with the Land so we'll do that instead. I used to love Living with the Land until the Walt Disney School of Cost Cutting got their grubby little mits on it. That's not fair actually, I still love it but it's not the same. I see you're confused. I shall elaborate.

Up until a few years back there was an actual human being on every boat. For the uninitiated, Living with the Land is a boat ride through the history of agricultural America and the greenhouses of the Land Pavilion. Imagine two Small World boats joined together, with covers like a covered wagon for some reason, and the guide would stand on the front of the boat and tell us all about the produce in the greenhouses. It was great. It was like Jungle Cruise for Epcot. I think that the Jungle Cruise skippers who failed because they were too laconic ended up on Living with the Land. I'm sure one guide was actually asleep while going through his spiel.

But that's all ancient history. The human touch is gone, just like on the buses. Replaced by a recorded voice. It does a trip but it's nothing like John with the deviated septum when he was at the helm.

I love watching other people when we get to the greenhouses. The looks of fascination when they find out nothing is grown in soil and the explosion of camera flashes when we reach to Mickey head pumpkins.

We did the Behind the Seeds tour a few years back. I highly recommend doing it if you're there. One of the best hours you'll spend at WDW. The guy who took us round was an amazing fellow. He already had a law degree and was finishing his Phd in something to do with agriculture (me and Lynn have just spent a hour trying to remember what but we can't, oh well 'something to do with agriculture' will have to do), and was finishing his research at The Land. He showed us a load of stuff you can't see from the boats and how aeroponics and hydroponics work. Recommended. Funniest thing was, someone asked him what he was going to after he finished his Phd. And he answered in all honesty that he wanted to be a ride operator!! (at least for a while)

We exit Living with the Land and head for Soarin'. Or Soarin' Over California as it should rightly be called. Soarin' was imported from DCA in Anaheim as part of the 50th Anniversary celebration of Disneylands opening in 2005. It's exactly the same ride as the California ride. Same film, which is, believe it or not, views over California landmarks as if from a hang glider. So why shorten the name to just Soarin'? Oi..

We enter Soarin' on the south side of the pavilion, through where Food Rocks used to be. I miss Food Rocks. Strange for a 40 year old man to miss a puppet show on food I know, but ya gotta be true to yourself. And of course, I also like food.

Food Rocks replaced Kitchen Kabaret in 1994. I never saw Kitchen Kabaret so you'll have to look elsewhere. Food Rocks however was a masterpiece of audio-animatronics. Forget all your Jack Sparrows and Mr Potato Heads. You've not lived until you've seen an animatronic kebab called Pitta Gabriel.

Basically it was just a lecture on good nutrition. Funny seeing as it was sponsored by Nestle, that's it, the chocolate makers (I know they do other stuff but that wouldn't been funny..). Plot being concert given by animatronic food. Sounds great eh? What do you mean 'no'? OK, I'll go on. The concert songs are what made it great. They were all parodies of pop songs and the artists who sang them and the titles speak for themselves.

For example, Good Nutrition, by The Peach Boys and Vegetables are Good for You by Neil Moussaka.

Anyway, here's the wiki link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Food_Rocks

When they knocked down Food Rocks to build Soarin', a small problem reared it's head. Food Rocks seated about a hundred people and was the size of a garden shed. Soarin' is the big enough to park a 747 inside. It wasn't going to fit. A meeting was hurriedly held. Men with tape measures came and wrote things on clipboards. Imagineers thought for weeks, many attempts were made to solve the problem including the secret trip to the BBC demanding to know how Dr Who did it. After being thrown out of the BBC they returned dejectedly back to Florida.

Bugger. There was nothing else for it. They were going to need a bigger shed.

A new shed was built and joined to the Land Pavilion by a long tunnel. The tunnel is split in half down the middle with fastpass on the empty side and standby on the other. On the walls of the standby side are huge projections of nature. Apparently it's changed now and you get questions and answers as well to while away the huge wait. The standby line is always full, morning or evening, rain or shine. There are adults at the front of the queue that were children when they entered...

Sidebar - Soarin' has the biggest showbuilding on property and it can seen from all over Epcot. It looked as out of place as a mosque in Golders Green. Again many attempts were made to camoflage the shed but all ended up with the same result.

"we can still see it...."

But then a graduate of the School of the Glaringly Obvious came up with this answer.

"Why don't we paint it the same colour as the sky?"

So that's what they did and today that man is Vice President in Charge of Painting Things.

Both queues come together at the entrance to the ride proper, the clean shaven and fresh to the left, the heavily bearded and shuffling on the right, in a symphony of blue neon. The whole place glows electric blue. Once through you are directed either left or right as there are two theatres. Once around the corner we are sent into on of three chainlink cells and told to stand on a hang glider symbol on the floor. There are three cells because there are three banks of seats with each bank divided into three rows of ten or so seats. The rows are attached to huge cams so that when the ride starts, the rows are pulled vertical and hang one above the other. The front row ends up about 40ft in the air, the middle 30ft and the back 20ft. The rows can also tilt forward and back slightly and roll slightly too (like an aircraft wagglig it's wings).

Anyway, back in the cells. We are all stood on our symbols when there is a ding. (Yes, a ding) and the lights go dim. A man appears on the monitor to give tghe pre flight briefing. I recognise him. It's Patrick Warburton voice of Kronk from The Emperors New Groove, and my personal favourite, Joe Swanson from Family Guy.

You may remember that Emma is not good with heights but has happily been mugged off with the phrase, "It doesn't go that high....."

Patrick gets to point in the briefing that starts "So if you have a fear of heights..." There's another 'ding!' This time it's the sound of the light bulb that is now hovering over Emma's head lighting up. I think we've been sussed.

The doors open and we shuffle towards the entrance. desperate measures are required. I try the undertakers voice. It's the paramedic version of the Jedi Mind Trick. It's a low, measured, calm voice that normally starts with the phrase, "I'm very sorry, there's nothing we could do...." (which translated into english means 'it's 4 in the morning, I'm knackered, they're dead and we ain't working on 'em'). Works every time.

I try it, "Honestly, it doesn't go up high". And she believes me!! God I'm good.

Sidebar - The mechanism for Soarin' was invented by a bored Imagineer one Thanksgiving out of meccano, glue and cable ties. Thanksgiving must be a blast at his house..... That man is now Disney's Vice-President in Charge of Meccano.

We are in the middle row and we follow the last one on the front row into the theatre. It works out that we're in the middle of the middle row on the left hand side of the theatre. I seem to have drawn the short straw and am next to our human dog whistle. We click the seatbelts in place. Then begins the waiting. Again the simple principles of putting one end of a seatbelt into the correct recepticle and putting all your crap into the net under the seat seems to elude some people. Cast members scurry round correcting the thicker members of the group. Time ticks on and the puddles of sweat forming under Emma's hands are getting bigger. Luckily the music on Soarin' is excellent. I could listen to it all day (sometimes I do, got it all on the iPod).

At last Mr Warburton speaks, "Soarin' to tower. We are ready for take off"

The wing-like canopy over our seats lowers into place to give the whole 'hang glider' feel, the lights dim leaving only the blue taxiway type lights in the floor as the sole illumination.

I think I can hear a mosquito buzzing past my ear.

The taxiway lights go out and in the dark we start to move forward and up.

There it is again. Little bastard.

We stop moving and the show starts. Oh look, fluffy clouds. The music comes up and we're suddenly a 1000ft over the Golden Gate Bridge.

The buzzing is getting louder and is now accompanied by a noise of metal under incredible pressure. And it's coming from my left.

If you'd managed to record this buzzing and slowed it down about a hundred times, what you'd hear would be the human word 'ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod' being constantly repeated.

But what of the metallic sound? The chair 'gliders' have a very limited range of movement, a couple of degree in each axis at most. The action on screen banks left and right, up and down, but add a couple of degrees of real movement and it makes it feel quite real. Every time we 'banked' there's another metal sound. I start looking at the mechanism and get a bit windy.

One of the wonderful things about Soarin' is the smells. Seems to be the new 4D element in a lot of new attractions. At certain points in the film, relevant smells are blown at you. Pine forest, orange groves, sea. It does work though. I can't ride this attraction enough. Now I know why the standby line is so long and you can't buy a fastpass after midday.

The finale is nigh, then darkness. Movement and I can feel cool air on the back of my legs. The taxiway lights whiz past and we're back on the ground.

I turn to Em and ask, 'Did you enjoy that?'

She doesn't answer but there's that metallic sound again. I look down at the hand grip between our seats. It used to be a round metal bar but now has the deep impressions of four fingers and a thumb. On the other side Andy's palm has a neat row of fingernail size cuts and is bleeding slightly.

We escort our acrophobic from the theatre.

On wobbly legs Em makes her way back along the mile and a half of tunnel to the Land Pavilion. At last she speaks. She enjoyed it. (?)

After all this fast paced fun, we need something a bit slower. We exit the Land into the mid morning sun. My pupils shrink to the size of microdots and my eyeballs start to steam slightly. We turn left and head towards The Living Seas. (Yes, I know it's now 'The Seas with Nemo and Friends' but to me it will always be The Living Seas).

I'm going to throw my teddy out of the pram here. Here's a little message to any Disney high-ups who might chance to read this column (please pass it to them if you know any).

Ahem.. "STOP PUTTING PISSING CHARACTERS AT EPCOT!!! YOU KNOW IT'S WRONG. WALT WANTED EDUTAINMENT AND NO CHARACTERS. IT'S ONLY SO YOU CAN SELL MORE BLOODY TOYS.

AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, STOP DUMBING STUFF DOWN AS WELL, SPACESHIP EARTH WAS FINE, NOW IT'S LIKE GOING BACK TO BLOODY JUNIOR SCHOOL. NOT EVERYBODY IN WORLD IS THICK. SOME OF US ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND STUFF.

AND STOP SAYING 'WHO KNOW'S WHAT WALT WOULD HAVE WANTED'. YOU'RE ONLY SAYING THAT COS THE POOR OLD SOD ISN'T HERE TO SAY NO, AND YOU KNOW HE WOULD SAY NO!!"

Here endth the lesson.

The Seas is a prime example of sacrificing 'edutainment' for product placement. Until 2006, The Living Seas was the prime example of edutainment. You entered the pavilion where you enter now for the 'Seas with Nemo and Friends' attraction. But where the queuing area is now was a circular chamber. On the right was a set of doors to the theatre, on the left doors to the hydrolators. This setup was basically a way of controlling the flow of people into the pavilion. The circular chamber was a holding area and about every 9 minutes or so you were given the option of viewing the pre-show film in the theatre or going straight to the hydrolators and into the main show area.

I loved this film. I wish there was a decent version on youtube. I always saw the film, to me it was part of the attraction. Seating was just plain benches and the film, narrated by Kathleen Turner, starts with the formation of the Earth and gives a brief explanation of how the seas were formed and how we were starting to explore them (circa 1986). Sure it was showing it's age but it could have been rehabbed, just like O'Canada. But in 2003, a marketing oppotunity called Finding Nemo arrived on cinema screens and the die was cast.

Leaving the theatre brought you to the hydrolators.

You're thinking, "that's the third time he's mentioned those. What the bloody hell is a hydrolator?".

I will explain.

The hydrolator was an amazing piece of technology. It looked like a lift (elevator for the colonials) that sat 'in' pools of water, it had doors and everything, but it wasn't. We'd all wait patiently for a hydrolator to 'arrive'. The doors would hiss open, I seem to remember a leak of water sometimes, (but that may just have an incontinent in the crowd..) and we'd all pile in. The doors would close and the floor would shake mildly, making all the breasts jiggle enticingly, as we 'decended' to Seabase Alpha. Lynn actually thought it moved (although to be fair, only one floor) until I pointed out that the floor between the dock and the lift floor was a continuous piece of metal. Oi vey.

At the bottom of our simulated decent, the opposite doors opened and we were let loose into the main area of Seabase Alpha. (would this have been the opposite of Moonbase Alpha? One for the 70's Sci-Fi fans....)

But all this is gone, gone, gone. Instead of the circular chamber and theatre you get....... more queuing! This is now the entrance to the Nemo and Friends attraction. You can now come and go freely through the doors where the exit Hydrolators used to be, spoiling the jiggling still further (giggity)

Sidebar - How can the worst piece of dross Pixar ever made get such exposure? I ask you. There's no justice. Except Crush of course. He's a righteous dude....

The extended queing area looks good. It's like you're underwater. With ripples and stuff projected on the suspended 'surface' above you. All the rails are 'rusted' with car body filler and painted brown. Very original you might think, but no. This comes to us from the 'Disney Archive of Unused Ideas'. This concept was actually first planned for a Little Mermaid ride that never passed the meccano and poster paint stage and had been propping up the wonky table leg in Bob Iger's office in recent years.

At the end of this queue is what were known as the Seacabs. Another 'Omnimover' attraction that took you on a trip around and through the main aquarium in specially contstructed tunnels. As far as I'm aware, they closed them in late 2001 or early 2002, but I could be wrong. Don't know if they needed maintenance, weren't popular or they were afraid of people doing 'whiz bangs' in the tunnels and flooding the place post September 11. Of course it could also be that United Technologies sponsorship ended then too....

Got to admit I never rode it in 2000 when we first went to Epcot, and it's a pox that I missed it.

Having seen some video on Youtube, I quote 1983horizons1;

"I almost forgot how cool this ride was. I also like how you can see ACTUAL fish."

And of course, what article would be complete without Elizabeth 2603;

"I loved the original Living Seas. I totally wish they could have left it alone. It was so perfect just the way it was!"

And the sublime Joepod;

"It's nice that they "tried" to improve on the original. It's not nice that they failed miserably."

You can get my drift here, can't you?

Anyway, on with the show. The Seacabs have gone, to be replaced by Clam-mobiles (giggity). Two seater pods that look vaguely like clams, think Haunted Mansion doom buggys but turned to face the moving walkway. As the pod enters the loading area, a door in the front slides open to let you enter. But you can't enter. Not until the sadistic bastard loading lets you in. And he waits, like a bloody doorman in a nightclub, until the pod is half way to the end before letting you in so you've got to run like Jessie bloody Owens to get in the clam (giggity) before the door snaps shut.

We get about 3 or 4 couples from the front when, out of another door, appears what appears to be either Stephen Hawking, or possibly Davros. This should be good sport I think, he's going to do well in the 100 meter Clam-mobile dash.

But no, the 'bouncer' has a soft side. The line of clams comes to a stop. Two other cast members appear out of thin air (where the bloody hell did they come from?). and direct Davros to a special clam (no not a bearded...). At the touch of a button, the clam mutates into something resembling a Transformer. Davros reverses up a ramp (and where did that come from as well...?), there's some more metal origami and it's back to being a clam again.

"Fuck me, that's impressive", I think was the phrase.

We're getting near the front so we start warming up. Bouncer waits until the clams are up to full speed again before letting an elderly couple wheeze their way after the clam. Our turn. I put my feet firmly in the starting blocks and wait for the gun...

And we're off! The main title from 'Chariots of Fire' plays in my head as we fly down conveyer after our prize. We make it into our clam and collapse, panting like an asthmatic donkey, before the door slams shut like a venus flytrap.

Off we go. The ride isn't bad, in a 'wake me up when we're done' kind of way. Animated tableau of scenes from Pixars worst.

FLASH!

Oh no. It's some twat with a camera. Much of the ride is lit with ultra violet with special paints used on the tableau to make them show up.

FLASH!

Stupid twat doesn't realise that his flash is illuminating all the workings so his pictures look bloody awful.

FLASH!

I am going to spank this twat in a minute. Why God, have I not got a white phosphorous grenade to lob into his clam? How's that for a flash you twat!

One neat thing is that there are monitors imbedded in some of the tableau that the nemo characters appear on. We sort of follow the undersea bits of Finding Nemo through the attraction. In one sequence, Nemo is on one monitor, squeezes into a pipe only to appear at the other end on another monitor. Technically good but tame.

Although we are in the tunnels in the main aquarium, we don't actually see any real fish until the very end. But, technologically it's the billy bollocks. It seems that Disney have come up with a way of projecting the Nemo characters in 3D onto the glass walls of the aquarium. And it really does look like they're on the other side of the glass. Bloody clever but I still don't like it...

The unloading point throws you out into the main area of what used to be (or rather should be) Seabase Alpha.

The main area hasn't changed that much. We turn right to the main viewing area. Two huge windows let us look into the tank from two floors. The tank is circular and apparently you could fit Spaceship Earth inside and it wouldn't touch the sides. Personally I think this would be a superb job for the Mythbusters.

I did the DiveQuest tour here in 2004. I was still qualified as a diver then. Before 'The Incident...' A tunnel leads into the centre of the tank where a circular 'hub' allows you to view the fish almost 360'. At the centre of this hub, hidden from the public, is a spiral staircase up to the surface of the tank where all the platforms and infrastructure are located. It's up here where you get into and out of the water on the DiveQuest.

Sidebar - There's a scam on the Living Seas dive experiences. Wonder if anyone else has spotted it. One quarter of the tank is fenced off with long metal bars. The dolphins are on the other side. We were warned to stay away from the fence as the dolphins can bite or otherwise damage us and some crap about being illegal to interact with them unsupervised. (must be a problem with dolphin fiddlers.....). The more cynical among you may have worked out that Disney will only be to happy to relieve you of a further $150 to play with the dolphins, which is why they don't want you doing it for free. Who're the fiddlers now?

After being briefed not to climb on the coral cos it's plastic, (Yes, all the coral in the Living Seas is fake), and not to touch the turtles, (an arrestable offence actually), we ascend the spiral staircase to the waters edge. A cool breeze blows up the stairs. I recommend the DiveQuest if you're PADI qualifed. Great fun and all the free air you can breathe. I loved swimming under the window for the Coral Reef Restaurant then popping up right in front of the diners by the window. Got some great startled looks. Thing I really liked was when you were near the windows, people waved at you and took pictures. To us it was the nearest thing to actually being a cast member. At the end of our time we ascend, strip off our tanks and suits, then dressed in only T-shirts and shorts, descend the stairs. That cool breeze now feels icy cold fingers going straight up my bollocks. By the time we reach the changing rooms we are all hypothermic. Happy days..

After looking at the fish and spotting the hidden mickey on the floor of the tank, made out of circles of stones, I watch the ordinary people making complete fools of themselves with cameras. I giggle to myself watching fool after fool line their family against the glass wall and take a picture.... with flash. That glass is as effective at reflecting light as a mirror. Every picture will have a huge flash blinding everything in the shot. But what can you do? They never listen to me...

We return to the balcony overlooking the diver lockout chamber. A demo is in progress. The chamber is basically a 40ft tall test tube with a diameter of about 8ft. A diver gets inside and they flood the chamber. The diver then does tricks like a performing dolphin before draining the chamber and exiting to riotous applause. On this occasion, an 8 year old girl was picked to push the 'flood' button. Once the chamber started to fill, which it does very quickly, she started to look a bit worried. The diver writes something on his slate in chinagraph pencil. He beckons the girl to the glass, points at the cast member outside who's doing the talking, and turns the slate so she can read it.

It says 'Please make sure he lets me out'. That child is now in an institution suffering from acute hydrophobia and a fear of strange men in rubber suits.

The crowd disperses and we drift into the manatees. I love the manatees. I looked into seeing if you could adopt one for a year like they do in the zoo's but I couldn't find anywhere that did. I wanted to name it Hugh as in 'Oh the Hugh Manatee'...

In the Manatee tank there are apparently two males that have been rescued, Bock is a young male who was orphaned, and the sign on the platform opposite says he weighs a trim 903lb. His playmate is Lou, rescued from a boating accident weighing in at a portly 1124lb. I think one of my dream jobs would be a warden in a manatee reserve. They're just so cute.

I can't see anything below the surface but there's loads of fresh lettuce floating on the water. Looking down I see a shadow. The opening bars of the Jaws theme start in my head.

'Duh, Duh..........Duh, Duh, Dum..........Dum, Dum, Dum, Dum!'

And suddenly, without warning, the manatee attacks!!

Chomp, chomp, chomp. Like a large grey Dyson hoover. The lettuce never stood a chance. Next trip I've GOT to go to Crystal River and swim with them, they are so cute. This one must be Bock as he has all requesit parts still attached.

Chomp.........Chomp..............Chomp, this one must be the other one. Judging by the fact that he seems to be the manatee equivilant of Quasimodo. Bits of him are missing, like a manatee leper. Poor bastard. This is what happens when people don't have cages on their boat props. Like putting a manatee in a blender.

I am dragged kicking and screaming from the viewing deck. We got downstairs to our last port of call, Turtle Talk. If you've never heard of Turtle Talk, it's the ducks nuts. I will tell you all about it in a minute. There will be a brief delay while I shoot into the downstairs manatee viewing area, this is the underwater viewing windows. On the floor of the tank is another hidden Mickey. A traditional mickey head made of small black pebbles. I like manatees. I could stay here all day.... Turtle Talk?

Turtle Talk! I've been trying to remember what occupied the space where Turtle Talk, or Turtle talk with Crush to give it it's proper name, is now. It's been weeks, I've looked at old photos and done web research and have come up with the following;

'Fucked if I know'

The queuing area has changed a bit since last year. It's moved a bit and it now has a holding area like most attractions (they count you as you enter the holding area from the queue until the theatre capacity is reached so when the doors open, everyone in the holding area piles straight inside).

We get into the holding area on the second attempt. We're some of the first so we have longest to wait. Although everyone in the holding area is guaranteed a seat, there's still this thing of 'Me to the Front', nudging and jostling to be first in. These are mainly pikeys and New Yorkers. Being of higher interlect and generally more mellow, we let them get on with it. Honestly, life's short enough without all that. The theatre holds about 150 people, in the holding area 146 people are crammed into the first five feet, jiggling slightly, like sperm in a fallopian tube..... We have the rest of the area to ourselves.

The doors open and suddenly it's the start of the London Marathon. There's a strange chanting mantra in the air,

'me to the front, me to the front, me to the front...'

The remaining four people (us) saunter after the runners. We enter the theatre by what I seem to remember being the 'Out' doors. The auditorium is roughly oval shaped with benches like in the old Living Seas preshow film theatre. Maybe they ARE the benches from the old preshow. Maybe Disney is getting cheap on the seating these days... Lynn and Em find seats on the last row and Me and Andy stand at the back. At the front is a screen showing a computer generated underwater ocean view and in front of the screen is a carpeted area which is now covered with small children.

Enough description, on with the job. Turtle Talk opened in November 2004. It's a very simple premise, it's a meet and greet with Crush the Turtle from Finding Nemo. Only Crush is an animated character isn't he? So how do they do it?

Truth is I'm not entirely sure. But it looks the bollocks. A cast member does their speil, inciting the kids to call Crush. What follows is pure Disney magic. Onto the screen swims Crush. Kids are picked to ask him questions, not only does he answer them, he asks them back! Swimming to look at them and doing tricks. This is the original that the Monsters Inc Laugh Floor (Remember that from yesterday? Seems a long time ago now doesn't it...?) is based on. But this succedes on every level (unlike Monsters Inc..). You can tell there's a real artist working the character, he IS crush. The computing power of this attraction must be immense. I asked Andy his opinion and the character seems to be mostly rendered in real time from multiple sequences all seamlessly joined on screen. The operator must be able to watch the audience on multiple cameras and can pick his targets. Whether the operator wears some form of motion capture suit or mask I don't know, but the characters mouth forms the words that are being spoken extremely well. I later found out it's voice activated animation. How they do that is beyond me. Maybe I should write to the Discovery Channel.... Anyway, it's one of the best 12 minutes you'll spend at Disney World.

Here's the wiki page;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turtle_Talk_with_Crush

Having done Crush, we conclude our tour of The (Living) Seas with a quick look around the aquaria and the small shop which sells Nemo merchandise (See! Bloody characters at EPCOT!!!!!). I can hear Mel Brooks as the voice of Yoghurt from Spaceballs;

"Merchandising, merchandising! Where the real money from the movie is made!"

We leave through the sliding glass doors that are where the Hydrolators back to the surface used to be. The doors have a nasty green tint which blots out the sunshine until they open and then it's "Ow! Ow! Ow!, Blind!, Blind!, Blind!....."

We head back towards the Land and encounter one of the most STUPID things at EPCOT. Right outside the pavilion is a diorama of the Nemo characters. Very nice you might think. But every bloody 4 year old has to have it's bloody picture taken with it. Consequentially, the whole area is at a complete standstill and we have to use commuter tricks to make any headway. Again BLOODY CHARACTERS AT EPCOT!!!!!

Sidebar - Commuter tricks? For the non-commuters out there, that means copious use of the elbows and shoulders to 'assist' people from our way, a granny pushed over here, a child tripped there, all to distract people so we can walk freely... (we're not that bad really...... honest. But that's commuting for you!)

Once through the milling throng we set course and head at flank speed (What IS flank speed?) to the south. Overhead, Monorail Gold passes along the beamway. I smile. I can watch the monorail all day. We pass the entrance to The Land and I have to fight the urge for another strawberry cream cake.

After being dragged from the food court, we head on towards the Imaginination Pavilion. To our left is one of the marvels of Epcot, the upside-down waterfall. A trick of the light achieved with fountains but it looks nice. Very theraputic on a hectic day. I like to spend a few minutes in yogalike meditation in front of it (everybody assume the lotus position and say "oooooomm").

To our right stands the Journey into Imagination With Figment. I like Figment. This very should be Figment 3.0. This attraction started out in March 1983 as Journey into the Imagination with the main character being the Dreamfinder, an old man in blue pyjamas who rides a contraption called a Dreamcatcher to catch the ideas and dreams that you (the rider) are encouraged to explore. His companion was a small purple dragon called Figment (as in Figment of the Imagination).

The ride system uses the Omni Mover used elsewhere at WDW but this time in trains of 4 cars holding 7 riders each. The original ride moved you through 'rooms' exploring ideas, starting in the Storage Room and going through Art, Literature, Performing Arts and Science before a finale scene and returning to the load station.

I'd like to tell you more but it was well before my time at WDW. Journey into Imagination in this form closed in 1998 and reopened the following year a completely different attraction.

The 1999 version (V2.0) was completely rewritten and based around the Honey I Shrunk The Audience attraction. Gone was the Dreamfinder and Figment relegated to brief cameos. Instead of rooms, the ride vehicles now took you on a tour of The Imagination Institute. This time guided by Eric Idle as Dr Nigel Channing from Honey I Shrunk.

Sidebar - apparently Eric Idle is a friend of Marcia Strassman who plays Diane Zsalinski. He heard about the part over lunch one day, make himself a bit busy and bingo, Kerching! Much shekels courtesy of the Walt Disney Company, making much more than Strassman who got him the gig. Apparently she was justly pissed....

But I digress (again). Again, instead of rooms you now ride through Labs, those being Sound, Illusion, Color, Gravity and Connections. In the sound room it goes dark and you get sensory sounds like chirping crickets and a passing train. In the illusion you get visual trickery to make things appear and disappear. All good stuff and sort of sciency. However it was dull as the tip of old Nelson's and promptly closed two years and seven days later.

Again the great minds of Disney met in darkened rooms to analyze why people avoided Journey into Your Imagination, as it was now called, as a 'Hugh' avoids a 'Healthy Options Menu'. Committees were formed, the good and the great kept their fingers on the pulse from California. After hours experiments were done on pressganged cast members, several of whom never recovered and now rock back and forth all day in the 'Happy Home for Sick Cast Members' which must be near Shades of Green because it's not on any of the maps.....

Eventually a decision was reached. All parties universally agreed that the reason no-one went near Journey into Your Imagination was....... It was shite.

Again it was reimagined (fuck I hate that phrase. Hollywood seem to be doing a lot of it in recent years. It all started with Charlies Angels. Now we've had Starsky and Hutch, Knight Rider, Battlestar Galactica and now the bloody A-Team is getting its own film. What do the all have in common? They're all shite. Fuck sake Hollywood, if you can't think of anything new, LEAVE THE PAST ALONE TO REST IN PEACE!!!)

Back in the sane world, Journey Into Imagination With Figment opened on June 2nd 2002. Still mostly as it's previous incarnation except now we are on an 'Open House' tour of the Institute and the labs are now Sight, Sound, Smell, Touch and Taste. Biggest change is that the tour is now Figment interferes in every scene, causing mischief as we go until Channing (yes he of the botox and 'Just for Men'), abandons the 'tour' and we go 'off piste' into the Salvador Dali painting of Figments own open house. The original One Little Spark song returns in a slightly extended form especially in the final scene where in a flash and blast of air, the walls fly up to reveal a huge montage of Figment doing imaginative things (Flying, Painting, Serial Killing, stuff like that) before returning you to the unload station.

We exit the ride with the words of "One little spark" running around our heads like a schizophrenics split personalities. The exit sends you into the Imageworks. A post ride attraction sponsored by Kodak involving various things to make you buy Kodak products. Mostly stuff for the kids but it has one cracking exhibit where you wave your arms between two sensors to conduct a various instruments. Why is it cracking? Cos I managed a cracking picture of Lynn looking a right tit of herself 'conducting'. We pause briefly to look at the stuffed Figments and Eric Idle souvenir hair dye and leave.

We have about 20 minutes til lunch so we head into Innovations West. This is the poor cousin of Innoventions East. But Innoventions West holds a secret. Innoventions West has Segway Central. What is Segway Central? First things first, what's a Segway? A Segway is the biggest prize a geek can own. A personal transporter which is a platform on two wheels which uses a combination of computers and gyroscopes allows the rider to stand upright and balanced on it's two wheels. It feels like balancing on a log. Put some weight on your toes, it rolls forward, lean back on your heels and it stops. Tilt the handlebar left or right and it will turn in place. As a geek, I think it's the billy bollocks and would have one if I had four grand spare.

Here's a link;

www.segway.com

Disney World uses loads of these. You can see managers flying round on them. But best of all is the Around the World on a Segway tour. We've done this tour twice already and have booked it again for next week.

Behind the barriers at Seg Central is an purpose built area where you spend the first hour of the tour learning to ride the Seg. In and out of cones, up and down slopes and plenty of round and round. The old tours used to be in a closed room where nobody could see you wobbling around like a one legged man on a skateboard but the new area is completely on stage for all to see. The tours only run in the morning because the second hour is out in World Showcase before it opens at 11. You get the chance to fly round a completely empty park (in a follow my leader way) on an obstacle course through the pavilions stopping here and there for a history lesson on that pavilion. Great fun and you see things that you've never seen because you're always in a hurry to get from attraction A to attraction B as quick as possible.

Behind the barrier there's a queue of people waiting for a couple of minutes as a taster. An elderly gent is riding, the instructor standing in front holding the handlebars, he's inching forward at about 6 inches an hour, his face fixed in concentration and obviously shitting himself.

Anyway enough of this, I'll tell you about all this at a later date. You can even find out which one of us ends up mentally scarred out of it too....

We wander out of Innoventions West, past a immaculate fire engine that's part of an exhibit called Where's the fire? I make a mental note to return later.

The main pathway between Future World and World Showcase has been decorated for Christmas. It's entire length is now lined with white arches forty feet tall and leads down to an even taller chrismas tree at the far end. Impressive, but I bet it'll look better when it's all lit up later.

We are again hungry. By my careful and meticulous planning we are almost outside our lunchtime restaurant with 10 minutes til our reservation time. I, of course would love to take all the credit for this, but it was more luck than judgement.....

We cross the border into World Showcase. Strange, there's no physical border or barrier of any kind but it's definitely there. Kind of spooky.

Once beyond the Christmas tree, we happen upon the World Showcase Lagoon. (They like a lagoon at Disney World, the lake outside the Magic Kingdom is Seven Seas Lagoon). This is a big bit of pond. Apparently to walk round the edge is 1.2 miles (You can't say I don't look these things up). This is where the nightly firework show "Illuminations" takes place. I'll tell you about it in about another 3000 words...

Around the Lagoon are 11 pavilions from various countries around the world promoting traditions, customs and tourism of the country therein. In reality you get the 'postcard' version as found in airport souvenir shops worldwide. It's stereotypical as you like. The cast members of each country wear 'traditional' dress of their homeland, which frankly is;

A. Hilarious

B. Completely embarrassing for the cast members concerned.

To further illustrate this point, we turn right and head anti clockwise around the lagoon to our first port of call on our multi-cultural, multi-denominational tour, Canada.

The restaurant we are dining at today is called Le Cellier. It is, in fact a cellar, hence the name. It sits under a replica of the Chateau Laurier hotel in Ottawa. This is probably the smallest restaurant 'on property', but one of the best. We booked our table six months (minus one day..) ago because it's so small and so popular, everybody wants to eat there.

To get in we pass through a beautifully manicured garden which represents the Victoria Gardens of British Columbia. It really is impressive actually. We arrive at the check-in desk behind a party of six who have just walked up and asked for a table at the busiest time of the day.

Sidebar - Remember I said about the traditional dress? The ambient air temperature you may recall is hotter than Satan's bollocks. The poor cow behind the desk is wearing heavy trousers and a heavy red check woolen lumberjack shirt! She is standing in a puddle of her own sweat and is just looking to piss on someone's bonfire. And they've just arrived..

The French Canadian hostess / lumberjack smiles and joyfully tells them they are totally booked all week. It was very reminiscent of the 'French Taunter' scene from Monty Python's Holy Grail. The spokeswoman for the group wants to negotiate, seeing all the people waiting for their tables.

"Madam", says Taunter, her smile growing with every syllable, "Many of these have booked to eat here up to six months ago".

And now. The moment you have all been waiting for. After a wait of only 13,193 words (count 'em). The phrase of the day.

"That's ridiculous. How can I plan things that far ahead!!"

After all that, it wasn't worth waiting for really was it?

And then the coup-de-grace.

"Madam, everyone here did"

Game set and match. Suitably shamed, they slink away, followed by twenty pairs of eyes. The owners of the eyes all silent but all thinking the same thing...

"Amateurs"

We, along with the other 'chosen ones', wait in the lobby for our table. It's quite dim in the dining room, like a medieval bistro. No windows. Like a posh cell. I keep expecting Torquemada to be a waiter... The others peruse the menu while we wait. I don't. I know what I'm going to have. I've been thinking about it all morning, maybe not all morning, but at least since I was stopped from sneaking back into Seasons.

After several minutes of watching people go in and out of the toilets, we are taken by to our table by a nice young lady lumberjack from the town of "Somewhere Canadian'. As with all the other servers, she is perspiring, but under the air conditioning the sweat is condensating, so our server seems to be a cloud of fog with red plaid arms and wooly legs. Our table is behind the servers station, not the quietest or secluded of places in the restaurant. But we, unlike the amateurs, are in.

A hand with a pad on it appears out of the fog accompanied by a mystic, far away voice.

That's a neat trick thought I.

Drinks. Would we like drinks? Too right. My tongue is as dry as Death Valley. In fact, if I open my mouth you can see buzzards circling...

Drinks are ordered and the pad disappears back into the cloud. The indoor weather system moves off towards the kitchen.

The girls go for wine, Andy a Moosehead but I go for the beer equivilant of a hand grenade.... Maudite.

What is Maudite? Put simply, Maudite is milk of amnesia. It's the kind of beer that after a few pints, you wake up in a police cell wearing a tutu and carrying a traffic cone, (there's always a traffic cone. Why is there always a traffic cone??) and you have no idea how you got there. It's a dark beer of 8% with a three year shelf life which gets stronger the longer it ferments and you can stand a spoon up in it.

There's an interesting back story to Maudite. Invented I'm sure to give it an air of respectability (and to cover the rash of arrests of confused pissheads walking around in tutus clutching traffic cones like teddy bears or wearing them like hats).

The actual story is more involved than the average A-Team episode and is thus;

Apparently the word 'Maudite' means 'The Damned' (or 'The Hecked' for those in the bible belt..) in the local lingo and refers to the legend of the “Chasse-Galerie” (or Flying Canoe), which tells the story of eight daring woodsmen who, during winter, pledged their souls to the devil in return for a flight to their home village in a canoe. As they sailed across the moonlit sky (as is depicted on the beer’s label), one of the lumberjacks invoked the name of God, freeing himself from the pledge but causing the canoe to come crashing down to earth. According to the legend, the men were never seen again.

The moral of the story is therefore, if you're 500 feet up in a flying canoe, KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT!!

Of course, if you think you're in a flying canoe and you find yourself in a tutu and looking at traffic cones like they're a Playboy centrefold, you've probably had one too many....

Foodwise, I start with one of the true gems of Disney cuisine. This dish is one of the main reasons Le Cellier is so popular. Of course I am talking of the Canadian Cheddar Cheese Soup. This is the pinnacle of comfort food. As my old driver Paul would say, it's 'sex in a bowl'. Smoked bacon, Moosehead beer, cheese, cheese and more cheese. In fact it should have a dose of Statin in it with the amount of cholesterol it contains. The best $7 you can spend in Epcot. All over Orlando you can hear people talking in hushed tones in deep reverence of the great Canadian Cheddar Cheese Soup.

After my soup I am somewhat full and a little bit pissed and I've still got my prime rib to come. Throwing caution to the wind I pull the pin on another Maudite. My herb encrusted prime rib and yukon potatoes arrives. It's great but I can't finish it, the Maudite is taking it's toll (I consider sneaking back to Segway Central and nicking a traffic cone...).

The rest of the meal is a bit vague. I sit glassy eyed and smiling like a simpleton while the others finish. A small cumulonimbus arrives with the bill and we leave. As we leave I notice 'The Chosen' eyeing our recently vacated table, hoping that the next name called will be theirs.

I am full and I am pissed. Therefore I need to be kept somewhere safe until the cone fever subsides. That somewhere is O' Canada.

What is O' Canada? If you turn left out of Le Cellier, go past 'The Chosen' waiting, and you find a cement and fibre glass canyon. To our right is a waterfall, our left a boardwalk. I stop and try to take a few artistic pictures of the falls. I look up and find I'm alone, the others having pissed off and left me. I try to catch up but they have no idea I am missing (I mean so much to them obviously...) and they are nowhere to be found. At the end of the canyon, down the stairs, is a mine entrance with the words O'Canada, Journey the Land of Grandeur in Circle-Vision 360. I enter the mine to find my comrades in arms sitting on the benches that line the wall.

So now we have two questions. What is O'Canada? And what is Circle-Vision 360?

O'Canada is a tourist film showcasing all that is good about Canada that just happened to be shot on 9 seperate cameras.

You should know what Circle-Vision is because you read yesterday chapter of this epic and have been waiting with baited breath for this installment to be written (admittedly 6 months on but hey, I don't have a lot of time!!). For the new people ,and for those too lazy to start from the beginning, I will explain and maybe even expand a bit.

Sidebar- New people. Go back and start at the beginning of the quest. It will make more sense....

Circle-Vision 360 is 9 seperate cameras on a rig, all facing out in a circle with all the fields of view connecting with the two either side forming a 360 degree panoramic view when played back on 9 huge screens.

Circle-Vision 360 is currently used on two attractions at WDW, both at Epcot. O'Canada and Reflections of China in the China pavilion. There used to be a third but unfortunately The Timekeeper closed to make way for The Monsters Inc Laugh Floor. As previously said, I wasn't disappointed. However, when the Disneyland Paris version (the original I might add) was closed, I was disappointed. It was on of the best attractions at DLP.

Sidebar - I should say 3 1/2 actually because 'Impressions de France' uses 5 screens to give 200 degrees of coverage.

The origins of Circle-Vision can be traced back to 1955. The rig was small enough to be mounted on a car and was first used for the Disneyland attraction America the Beautiful (Then known as Circarama). The rig has also been slung under helicopters, on trains, bobsleds and other devices. When all the projectors are synchronised and projecting onto the 9 huge screens forming a circle the effect is an excellent 360 degree view. Too good sometimes, for those helicopter shots when the helicopter banks the front screens show the sky, the rear the ground. People actually get motion sick even though you're not moving.

The original O'Canada opened in 1982 and showed scenes from Quebec, Ontario, the Calgary Stampede, ice hockey, the frozen Ottawa River and for me the best bit, being at the centre as the Musical Ride of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police circle you on horseback. Accompanied by quite possibly the cheeseiest song ever, Canada (You're a Lifetime Journey). It was inspired by (and plaguarised to a certain extent) by the film "Canada 67" that was shown at the Canada Pavilion at Expo 67 Worlds Fair in Montreal in 1967.

Sidebar- The Fair also featured a geodesic sphere designed by Buckminster Fuller who also designed Spaceship Earth 15 years later. Co-incidence?

Here's the proof.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expo_67

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buckminster_Fuller

With the attraction showing it's age, porn star mustaches and eighties fashions, Disney in a rare moment of clarity, updated the film in september 2007. This is going to be our first viewing.

Now back to the show. In our last episode, our heroes were sitting on the benches cooling off while awaiting their gallant leader to find them and lead them to greater glory. Instead they find their leader approaching, slightly pissed and wielding a camera........

By the door is a countdown timer, it shows we just missed the show start and we'd have to wait another 14 minutes. This explains the emptiness. At the far end is a Stratocumulus cloud who say's he's from Cheese Croissant or Gauloises or somewhere and is asking Canadian trivia to the crowd. It's a fiddle really seeing as O'Canada attracts Canadians like credit cards attract Nigerian fraudsters. It's the same voices calling out. I last saw this attraction 2 years ago and they were using the same questions then;

What do they call the Canadian one dollar coin?

The Loonie.

What do they call the Canadian two dollar coin?

The Toonie.

Lynn nudges me, "Look at that dirty cow"

I look over to see a soapy looking bird sitting on the bench opposite breast feeding a baby. I'm going to get coated for this, but I hate that. Piss off somewhere private and do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm as partial to a lovely pair of bristols as the next man, and if the bird can lick her own nipples all the better. But these weren't a lovely pair and she was a munter. We were on a crowded train once in Majorca when this eurobird flopped one out and breast fed a five year old. Now that's fucked up. No-one in the carriage knew where to look.

Funnily enough she was a soapy looking munter as well. Must be the type....

I try my hand at artistic photography again through the windows at the waterfall. I get a decent result on the twentieth attempt.

The crowd are getting edgy. I fight my way back to my seat. With a minute to go the waiting area resembles the start of the Toronto Marathon.

The Stratocumulus is whipping the crowd into a frenzy, then the doors are open and the race is on. We elbow our way to the front, after all we were here first. The doors lead into a nonagonal room.

Sidebar - Nonagonal? What the fuck is that I hear you ask? It's a nine sided shape. Nine cameras, nine sides. Now tell me this isn't edutainment...

The theatre is about 80 feet across but there are no seats. Instead there are rows of rails running across the theatre between the entrance doors and the exit doors opposite about four feet tall. Stratocumulus informs us these are 'Lean Rails' and they are for leaning on, not sitting on. And it is verboten to sit on the floor. One of the rails droops in the middle by about six inches. I assume a Hugh tried to sit on it and these are actually 'anti-Hugh' measures. Must be why you can't sit on the floor too. Hughs can't see the floor (or their shoes for that matter) for several feet in front, so the chance of being flattened by a stampeding Hugh must be great.

We file in and try to grab spots as near to the centre as possible. This gives the best view. It doesn't take long to fill and the doors swing shut behind the last couple. Above us on each of the nine walls is a screen that almost fills it. At the front is a lectern of sorts. Our host (Illuminated in the spotlight. Stardaom at last!) now bids us to 'lean back, relax and enjoy our presentation of O'Canada' The light goes out plunging him back into obscurity for another 18 minutes.

I'm quite looking forward to this. I always enjoy O'Canada. With a whir you hear the projectors start up.

Sidebar - The Walt Disney Company spent quite a few shekels to redo this film (even if it was to keep the Canadian Tourism Commission quiet. They were complaining for 7 years apparently), you'd have thought they'd have invested in an all digital setup.

The old film started with the Musical Ride, I hope it's the same. Apparently not.

It's snowing on all 9 screens, well CGI snowing at least.

A narrators voice;

"Canada, big, wide and very, very cold. Here in the great white north it snows 24 hours a day, every day of the year"

It sounds to all the world like the narrator from The Rocky Horror Show.

"It's frozen landscape is dotted with igloos (It's just a jump to the left...), homes for the vast majority of Canadians ( And then a step to the right...)"

Then another voice, "What! That's completely wrong! Stop the movie"

On one screen a figure appears through the snow.

I utter the next phrase slowly with a pause between the words;

"Oh bollocks"

There on the screen stands a figure wearing cream shorts and a red hawaiian shirt who looks a little like Martin Short. But it's not Martin Short. I look again. Indeed it is Martin Short. all I can say is;

Martin got a little work done...

I find it hard to believe what I'm seeing. The figure is far removed from the Martin Short seen in Santa Claus 3 and Cinemagique in Paris (I know that's six years old now). The phrase "What the fuck were you thinking of?" springs readily to mind. While Eric Idle looked like he'd been at the 'Just for men', Mr Short looks like he's been dipped head first in a bucket of paint. Which of course complements the CCF (carefully combed fringe....). Worst of all is the 56 year old eyes peering out of an 18 year old face. I'm hoping that this is something Disney have forced on him and not a life choice on his part. Why can't people accept aging gracefully? You don't see people like Barry Bostwick and Steve Martin reaching for the bottle of Recital (except in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid....).

Anyway enough of this little bump in the road. We continue (Or 'we go on' as were at Epcot!). The big difference is we know have a narrated tour with a bit of humour. The other version was a bit dry. After the obligitory Celine Dion joke, we start off at the Horseshoe Falls.

Sidebar - Apparently the Horseshoe Falls sit in both the US and Canada. I heard that the section of the falls shown are on the US side but I can't a co-oberating reference. Bit of a continuity cock up.

Next to the Bay of Funday in New Brunswick where they have the highest tide in the world. In the original the voice over was by a salty old seadog that sounded like he'd escaped from Pirates of the Carribean. Got to say though, give Martin Short his due, he does a good job on the narration. Apparently the tides do actually run in up to 50 feet deep.

Check it out - http://www.thehopewellrocks.ca/English/index.htm

Next we move to the West coast for the Butchart Gardens in Vancouver accompanied by pretty flowers and Catherdral Grove accompanied by pretty trees.

Sidebar - Apparently Cathedral Grove is under threat so feel free to donate to their cause.

After the next bit on animals (polar bears) we get to the next stupid statement.

"We do get a little snow in Canada but it doesn't slow us down, not one bit"

Well, my brother in law lives in Canada I think he'd have to disagree on that one.

Suddenly we are in a canadian red light district. At least I think it's a red light district because there's a pimp on screen. Oh no it's not. We've taken a left turn at the lights and Martin is doing his comedy thing on the sport of curling. Honestly, he's dressed as a pimp and is chasing a curling stone with a broom.

Sidebar - Almost imperceptably a change comes over the crowd. The Hughs are suddenly getting fidgety. After all it must be a full 8 minutes or so since they ate.

Order is returned with a view of the Rideau Canal Skateway in Ottawa. Taken straight from the original.

Sidebar - The Hugh's now shuffle from foot to foot, cankles swinging side to side like overloaded ferries (Cankles - A combination of calves and ankles, Hugh's are so fat that they merge into one entity known as cankles....). Think Alma Borland our Peggy Bundy's mum....

Another original piece. The kids hockey (Ice hockey for the Brittanics) game. Unfortunately with a new link and voice over by MS in hockey uniform, the upside of which being that the hockey helmet covers the Lego hair.

Sidebar - Unbeknown to most of us, a fresh batch of Cabbage Rolls with Spiced Beef has just arrived at the Poland Food and Wine Festival stand 200 yards (yes YARDS, screw europe!!) away. A Hugh's senses are extremely sensitive in certain ways, just as sharks can smell blood a quarter of a mile away, Hugh's can smell food over the same distance...... The shuffling is getting more intense. They start looking at the doors.

A sports montage. Including the hockey scene that's so old that one of the teams (the Quebec Nordiques) moved to Denver in 1995 to become the Colorado Avalanche. And another that shows the Chicago Blackhawks, hardly Canadian.

We head East again to Nova Scotia to the home of the Bluenose (and The Trailer Park Boys, best thing to come out of Canada in years!). A legendary schooner that "won 4 international races in her day". On screen is a beautiful pristine schooner with artistic views of her at sea shot from a helicopter.

"We're so proud of her", squeaks lego man, "We put her image on a coin"

Not in bad shape for an 87 year old ship I thought. (All right, all right. I didn't know it was 87 years old until I started researching this bit). But here's the best bit..... We've been conned all this time! The Bluenose SANK off Haiti in 1946!!!! The ship we've been watching is the Bluenose II (built in 1963) which has won, wait for it.......fuck all. Want proof? The evidence!

The floor is gently starting to vibrate to the swaying of cankles and a low mooing can now be heard.

Marty segueways deftly onto Canadian cities. Gone are the porn star hair and tashes and the 80's fashions. I trust the Canadian Tourism Commission are justly satisfied.

Although I'd still be justly pissed about the Lego Calgary Stampede in which our hero ends up hogtied by a slice of veal....(Why Lego? Sorry but everything he wears just makes him look more and more like a lego person) See....

I did like the line about 'Monolinguals' though. Tres funny.

Oh cool! Cirque du Soleil! I really must see La Nouba sometime. Didn't know they started in 1984.

A montage of photos and we play 'I didn't know they were Canadian' for a while. Celine bloody Dion again..

But then another montage and I can't hold it in anymore;

"Jesus, suffer and fuck!!"

Every screen now shows our hero in close-up head and shoulder shots in ridiculous 'showbiz' poses. You can almost see the plastic surgeons scars. And he's wearing a turtleneck that makes him look like a foreskin. I can't look! But there's nowhere to look, the pictures are on every wall! I start to panic, the Hugh's start mooing louder.

But there's worse to come. A bloody lecture on diversity. A true sign of the 'noughties'. Full of "We cherish our immigrants.."

Piss off you sanctimonious bastards. I've avoided the firms diversity course for five years and I don't intend to start now.

Joy of joys! The Mormon Tabernacle Choir bursts into song and I can hear 'Hallelujah!!!' playing in my head. The Music Ride of the Mounties!! My O'Canada experience is complete! They only get half a lap but it's better than nothing. The opening bars of a familiar tune start. It's Canada, You're a Lifetime Journey. But not the original. After a bit of digging I discover it's now sung by Canadian Idol (fuck sake, even they've got that crap) winner Eva Avila. She's not bad actually to be fair, but it signals the end is nigh.

The vibration stops. There are sounds of ECV keys being turned and engines being readied to be pushed to their limits.

Scenic montage of Canadian landscapes.

The Hugh's start shuffling doorward.

Eva's big finish.

And we're back at Niagra Falls. Marty bids us farewell and gives us directions to Canada.

"Walk outside the theatre, hook a left towards that big silver ball and keep walking due north. You can't miss it. Tell them Marty sent you", a good ending and the only scene that looks like the old Marty.

And speaking of the old Marty, the final scene is taken straight from Cinemagique (That's in Disneyland Paris for the colonials without passports). Marty taps on the screen and asks how to get out because he has a fastpass for Soarin'. A classic.

The lights come on and our host (remember him?) tries to bid us a good day but is drowned out by the cry of, "Stampede!!!!".

As one the Hugh's are off in search of the Polish cabbage they've been smelling. In a scene reminisant of the Running of the Bulls in Pamploma, Spain, we run like buggery to keep in front of the herd. It was a close run thing but we escaped without being flattened or nibbled.

Having now seen both versions, here's the scores;

Old Version 8 - New Version 7

To be honest it was an enjoyable 14 minutes. If you can overlook the 'Nip/Tuck' aspects, Martin doesn't do a bad job. I'll still see it on every trip.

Next stop, the United Kingdom!

Wonko the Sane's Guide to the World

Sunday, August 30, 2015

The Return Of Wonko

Friday, September 26, 2008

That's Ridiculous! How Can I Plan Things That Far Ahead!

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